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They say a watched pot never boils, does it work the same way with children? Does a child ever reach their true potential with helicopter parents hovering over their every move? This term coined by Hugh Mackay, social researcher and all round life and family guru describes the new breed of parenting—have child, will hover. He posits that parents are more anxious and indulgent these days, and because of this we're creating generations of little princesses and princes. They’re indulged, over-managed and in my way of thinking, potentially the kind of children that could end up resenting and rejecting their parents and their constant manipulation and intervention.
Parents preparing to hover
In an interview with Rachel Carbonell on ABC, Mackay says:
There's also perhaps a kind of overcompensation that goes on. Older parent, only one child or two at the most, really got to put as much as possible into this. I think there is among older parents, a higher level of anxiety about the state of the world, and about the vulnerability of their kids, a greater degree of obsession about the security, the safety of their children. In a sense I suppose it's that they know more, they're more aware of what's gone on in the world, they're more perhaps concerned about their own security, and perhaps they just are more conscious of their own mortality and wanting to absolutely do the right thing by their kids, taking all that into account.’ ‘
Is it possible to give too much love and attention to your child? It’s a fact, parents are getting older and having less children, so perhaps parenting styles have changed along with that. Has parenting become like modern day sport? An event that has an outcome—winners or losers; something judged by how much effort you’re obviously putting into it? I know I lend a hand occasionally with homework, perhaps too much, but there are parents out there doing all their children’s work! What does that do to a child’s self esteem, let alone their education?
Certainly when I look around at the middle class parents of my generation there’s a lot of giving—love and affection on the upside, but on the downside, too much stuff, too many activities, too much worrying on the part of the parents about their children’s, and therefore their own, performance. Look it’s even spawning a retail arm, with books like When Parents Love Too Much. (Sheesh, remind me what aspect of parenting is free?!)
There were times I can recall as a child being ignored. Yep, my parents who were loving, attentive and only had two to work with, still found time to ignore us. I know people who were ignored much more than me, and you know, they’re probably fine. In fact, probably better than fine because those kids were given some freedom to experiment and fail occasionally. In our strive for our kids’ perfection (and vicariously our own), we may be robbing them of their intrinsic motivation to do better, work harder. Another irony of life. But remember folks, this is something we can control.
So put your feet up occasionally. Let them do their own homework, goof off, ignore them once in a while, allow them some freedom and yourself in the bonus. Listen out for the boiling kettle instead of hovering over it and you might just get that perfect cup of tea. Tamra x
“Okay, bring those Range Rovers over here – let’s park them sort of corral-style around the tables and chairs and grab that bloody barbecue, no make it two, before someone else takes them! Can you string those balloons a little higher so people know it’s our party and they can’t intrude? Great. Now we’ve just got to put out the treasure hunt treats…maybe we’ll need to police those so no little outsiders steal any. Constable, I mean, cousin Hamish can do that.”
Yes, the all too familiar refrain from a birthday parent setting up camp at a local ‘public’ park. Have you seen them? They drive onto the turf, put up posters, balloons, electric fencing, all for little Jamiiie-Lee or Jonny’s birthday and bugger the rest of us. We can use the swing and the slippery dip, if we’re lucky but just get too near the birthday bash, and watch out. There'll be threatening looks, shooing away by aged, cranky aunties and downright threats from slightly inebriated fathers at the bbq.
What’s going on? Well statistics (created by me and anyone I overhear) tell us that “Park Take-Overs” are on the rise. If it’s not a birthday party, it’s a gaggle of personal trainers with their rich slaves, or a sporting event that pretty much wipes out any family fun you could be having at your local. Sadly this seems to be yet another example of how people's focus is pretty much entirely themselves and their own, rather than the collective 'us' and what's good for all. The modern rallying cry is "all for one, and...all for one!" Not a true musketeer in sight.
The other day we wandered over to an inner west park, set up the blanket, put out some food and were pretty much happily goofing around for half an hour. Suddenly there was a thronging of mostly men (fathers) with young offspring and for some bizarre reason they chose exactly where we were to set up their soccer training. I mean, they were literally standing on the edges of the rug!
Now, if this had been a park of say three metres by three metres, we’d be completely understanding. But this was a big park. We kept looking at them helplessly to try to get eye contact, work out what social phenomena was at play, but they refused to engage in any way, except to step on my babaganoush.
This was clearly “their place” at the park, at “their time” and we had foolishly crossed over into the 35th parallel or whatever it was and were being silently punished. We eventually moved, them having proved their point and us not wanting to get out our black belts and kill them in front of the kids. But it was really annoying.
So just remember, if you want a park party, or wish to train or sweat with friends, or play your chosen sport outside legitimate sporting hours – others pay their council rates and taxes too. They’re public not private parks and if you want exclusivity, stay home. Tamra x
Okay, just for a moment, let’s take off the heavy mantle of being a perfect parent, put our feet up on the parenting manuals and sift through a few home truths…Everyone comfy? Alright, then let’s consider -
Is it possible to love one of your children more than the other? Is it probable? What does it say about you as a parent?
Now don’t freak out. There’s no microphone, no hidden camera. No-one’s going to haul you off to the parenting shame wagon for a loooong trip downtown to the lock-up. We’re just looking at a little issue, that may be relevant for none, some, or secretly relevant for most. Let’s enquire.
Parenting experts and manuals will tell you to distribute your love evenly, don’t show favouritism, but is this possible all the time? Have you got one child who does what you tell them, on occasion, you feel a connection with and is ‘easy’ to love, and one or several other children, who fight you at every turn, enjoy things you find it hard to relate to, and express their love for you by hitting, punching, biting or slamming their door?
It’s hard to like your children the same at every moment, but is it hard to love them the same? Is ‘love’ as easily definable as ‘like’? Can constant conflict wear at the love you have for your child? Sometimes only one of them seems wonderful - it’s rarer that all of them will be wonderful at the same time - but if this is an ongoing dilemma, does that change your intrinsic love for them?
Mothers, and fathers, who find it hard to bond with their children at birth must face a different kind of challenge. Post natal depression, lack of bonding must influence initial feelings of love for a child. But does that stay as part of the relationship or does this like most things get influenced and weathered by time? If one child is bonded with immediately and not another, does this suggest a greater love or simply a quicker, easier kind?
Well Mr Fraser famously said, ‘life wasn’t meant to be easy’ and perhaps love isn’t always as well.
I know there are a lot of question marks here, but I’d hate to leap in and answer these issues too quickly for parents considering them or dealing with complicated feelings. Conventional parenting wisdom tells us that if we do feel a stronger connection to one child then this should not be conveyed to any of the children. We don’t know the damage that information or feeling can have on a child’s psyche if they feel like the lesser loved child in the family dynamic.
I’ve so often found that the things I dislike in others are simply a projection of things I don’t like in myself. So could it be the child we see as possibly loving less, is simply a reflection of ourselves, a mirror a little too close to our own imperfections…
But can we improve the love we feel for a child? If we were in a dysfunctional relationship with a spouse or partner and seeking help, we’d probably ‘work on the relationship’: talk to each other, resist blaming, use ‘I’ statements, do positive things together. Perhaps these are things we can do with our child/ren as well. The outcome's not guaranteed, but it's probably every child's right to feel the undiluted love of a parent to the best of that parent's ability, isn't it? Tamra x
Hey, believe it or not my mug and a few thoughts on modern parenting were in the Sydney Morning Herald the other day. A delightful journo and I had a chat about whether you are hindering your child or helping them if you teach them a set of values and manners to adhere to.
[ Click here to read more ]
I know this will come as a shock to many of you but there’s a crazy new group out there going around robbing children of their future. Not content to allow kids to be kids, they are shoving bucket-loads of experience down children’s throats, exposing them to wildly inappropriate material, scheduling their time so that they rival adults’ busy lives; and worst of all, you probably know some of them. They may even be your friends. I call them The Future Eaters. Most call them…parents.
Yep, good old Mum and Dad. They have their kids on such an overly rich diet of grown up experience, kids are becoming stimulation-obese. Take these few examples: a recent children’s birthday party in Sydney which stretched over an entire day, featured fire-eaters, jesters, clowns, face-painters, dancers, food that could feed an outback community for a year and a cast of hundreds of invitees. Cost - $40,000. Age of children - 5 and 7. What on earth will they do next year
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To many parents, these seemingly innocuous words, directed at your young one, are some of the most feared on the planet… 'Can you come to my party?' Fine if it’s coming from a little friend with a decent enough family — a simple romp in the park, an hour’s play time — but what if it’s that snotty-nosed, little kid with the screechy mother, and it’s a five-hour pool party??!
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Ahh, my favourite, family-friendly commentator, Ms Miranda Not-So-Divine, has been at it again. Not content at pillorying the tired mothers of tantrum-ing children, (and championing the smack), she's now hittin' out at the mothers of twins. Gotta love that girl's grrr. Not.
So, have you read it, did you see it, have you heard about it? I don't want to repeat anything you've already consumed and gagged on, but I am in fact referring to her piece on the terrible, societal problem that is…twin strollers. Gee they can be pesky, can't they? I mean, can't those mothers just carry their two one-year-olds around? And their nappy bags. And their handbags. What's wrong with them? Sherpas carry a lot of stuff, and they don’t seem to complain. Well, not that we can understand anyway
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Jeez Lousie! Those mothers, ey? Not only do they want equal work for equal pay but now they also want good quality child-care, satisfying work befitting a qualified, experienced professional who now adds multi-skilling to their portfolio, and they want to get to pick up the kids from school and, get this, they want it all at the same time! Ha! Oh yeah...I'm one of them.
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If we were computers, the next generation would be smarter, faster, less toxic to the environment and more efficient overall. The next, sleeker models would have their hard-drives programmed effectively; we would have taken out all the unnecessary software and kept only the good bits in … or would we?
A couple of thoughts crashed into each other over the weekend to make me stop and think–perhaps we’re all just on this one revolving travelator, that has no beginning and no end, and it’s not actually heading upwards or beyond to anything better than where we’ve been before. And I don’t mean we’re just stuck in Westfield
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18 Posts dating from October 2006
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Tamra
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