May 2008 - Parenting Debates

Parenting Debates

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Who hasn’t dreamt of their children being up on stage at the Opera House, or competing in the Olympics or accepting a prize for something wonderful they’ve achieved. But at what cost?

We were at a rep cricket presentation the other night. For our under 10 year old. Please keep those sympathies coming in. Anyway, I found it pretty interesting. Watching all those hopeful, young pre-pubescents standing around, the question that kept reverberating around the walls, for me anyway, was how far does one push or take a passion for a child before it becomes an obsession – an exclusion of all else?

Sport, art, drama, any extraneous activity that your child is drawn to can have a seductive pull. If it’s sport the bonus is they’ll probably be healthy. If it’s art, they’ll produce something cool to hang on the walls. If it’s drama, they’ll probably be able to perform on command, or at least get a job at Dendy cinemas or waiting tables. I jest. But the thing is, do you cultivate this passion, leaving behind all else in its wake to help your child reach their utmost potential, or do you simply indulge it occasionally whilst still trying to balance it with other activities?

Phil Hughes the second youngest entrant into a state cricketing side was there presenting trophies. He outlined how he was pretty much obsessed with cricket as a youth. His father’s throwing arm gave way at some point, after about the 5 billionth throw and they purchased a ball-throwing machine – yep, a ball-throwing machine – in Macksville! At what point do you say, my child has a gift and a passion for something and it would be irresponsible not to fully support it? Do you wait for the arm to give out, or do you get in early while you still have a limb?

Remember Pat Rafter, of course you do, well he has millions of other lesser known siblings. Well a few anyway. And I recall him saying the whole family had to get behind his sport, mum and dad dedicating time to drive him back and forth to comps, brothers helping to train him, sisters helping too, so when did they make that decision? When did Pat’s talent dictate the terms?

Did you see Wayne Carey on Andrew Denton’s Enough Rope? The tragedy was that here was a person of incredible sporting talent who had only ever gained attention and Kudos for doing one thing. Now that that was over, he was gaining attention for all the wrong things. Had his limited or limiting childhood contributed to his downfall? If he had been taken aside by someone, shown some other skills would it have potentially provided him with a way forward after football?

The demise of a sporting legend isn’t pretty but there is obviously life after on-field, in-pool, etc. It’s just how that person is able to cope with the lustre gone, the highs reduced to normal, balanced life after all. And is this ultimately the parent’s role - to prepare their child for life before and after or simply to set up the opportunities and see how the child ‘becomes’ their own man or woman?

Sport is such a competitive field now parents are sending videos of their under 9 sons to England to try and get a gig at prestigious training camps. Just watch, next it will be your darling’s ultrasound videos sent to the Institute of Sport to assess arm length and potential leg heft…

Well, while we try and cultivate the ‘renaissance man’ and add a bit of chess and music and some goofing off time in there, we may be holding him back, but as a family we believe in all things being of merit and interesting. Not least of which is family fun time. But you never know…you just never know… Tamra x

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Posted By: Tamra - Category: No Category

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Hey Parents, Get Off My Back, Literally!

May 7th 2008 03:06

They say a watched pot never boils, does it work the same way with children? Does a child ever reach their true potential with helicopter parents hovering over their every move? This term coined by Hugh Mackay, social researcher and all round life and family guru describes the new breed of parenting—have child, will hover. He posits that parents are more anxious and indulgent these days, and because of this we're creating generations of little princesses and princes. They’re indulged, over-managed and in my way of thinking, potentially the kind of children that could end up resenting and rejecting their parents and their constant manipulation and intervention.

Parents preparing to hover

In an interview with Rachel Carbonell on ABC, Mackay says:

There's also perhaps a kind of overcompensation that goes on. Older parent, only one child or two at the most, really got to put as much as possible into this. I think there is among older parents, a higher level of anxiety about the state of the world, and about the vulnerability of their kids, a greater degree of obsession about the security, the safety of their children. In a sense I suppose it's that they know more, they're more aware of what's gone on in the world, they're more perhaps concerned about their own security, and perhaps they just are more conscious of their own mortality and wanting to absolutely do the right thing by their kids, taking all that into account.’

‘

Is it possible to give too much love and attention to your child? It’s a fact, parents are getting older and having less children, so perhaps parenting styles have changed along with that. Has parenting become like modern day sport? An event that has an outcome—winners or losers; something judged by how much effort you’re obviously putting into it? I know I lend a hand occasionally with homework, perhaps too much, but there are parents out there doing all their children’s work! What does that do to a child’s self esteem, let alone their education?

Certainly when I look around at the middle class parents of my generation there’s a lot of giving—love and affection on the upside, but on the downside, too much stuff, too many activities, too much worrying on the part of the parents about their children’s, and therefore their own, performance. Look it’s even spawning a retail arm, with books like When Parents Love Too Much. (Sheesh, remind me what aspect of parenting is free?!)

There were times I can recall as a child being ignored. Yep, my parents who were loving, attentive and only had two to work with, still found time to ignore us. I know people who were ignored much more than me, and you know, they’re probably fine. In fact, probably better than fine because those kids were given some freedom to experiment and fail occasionally. In our strive for our kids’ perfection (and vicariously our own), we may be robbing them of their intrinsic motivation to do better, work harder. Another irony of life. But remember folks, this is something we can control.

So put your feet up occasionally. Let them do their own homework, goof off, ignore them once in a while, allow them some freedom and yourself in the bonus. Listen out for the boiling kettle instead of hovering over it and you might just get that perfect cup of tea. Tamra x