TamraCan You Come To My Party?
March 18th 2008 11:16
To many parents, these seemingly innocuous words, directed at your young one, are some of the most feared on the planet… 'Can you come to my party?' Fine if it’s coming from a little friend with a decent enough family — a simple romp in the park, an hour’s play time — but what if it’s that snotty-nosed, little kid with the screechy mother, and it’s a five-hour pool party??!
The need to control your children’s peer group is a very strong urge. It lays dormant like an appendix, waiting until your sweet young thing comes out of class one day holding hands with ‘that kid’. That kid is grubby, swears, has nine brothers and sisters, an invisible parent or two, has something pierced, eats junk food and is always scratching, ie: the Armageddon of all things you’re trying to eradicate from your child’s environment. Then it’s only a matter of seconds before the peer-group-controller part of your brain kicks in.
Like an automaton, you’ll instantly find yourself saying, 'Oh, how lovely, you've made a new friend. What a pity we have to go (insert here: shopping/to the doctor’s/ballet/football/the opera) this afternoon. Maybe you can have a play another day.'
And you think you’ve nipped it in the bud. You think that deft little bit of brainwork has subtly imparted a no-go-zone mentality to your child. But then comes the dreaded invite. In the school bag, opened with inordinate glee, only equal in its zeal to your level of horrification —'Look Mum! An invite to Sassy-Jean's birthday and it’s a solarium party! Cool!!'
How does one deal with this? How can you maintain the line against the onslaught of inappropriate friends?
'But Mum, everyone in my class is going!'
'We’re not doing anything that day!'
'I can get a new swimsuit!'
'I’ll wear heaps of sunscreen!'
'His mum will be there looking after us!' (Oh God.)
They’ll have a good response for every barrier you erect. And you know inside that you shouldn’t be so judgemental. Sure the kid screams, 'What the F$#king h&*ll?!' across the playground and s/he’s only six but the family might be very nice…? At the same time your peer-group-controller is pumping out alert-style hormones saying - it’s a slippery slope to the gangs roaming shopping centres with tatts and piercings and terrible grades in high school.
So what should you do? Can you ever really control your kids’ peer group?
I once went to a four-year-old’s party with my daughter. I’d met the family a few times and I knew I wasn’t going to be dropping her off. Hot backyard in the burbs, no shade, no hats, no sunscreen, bouncy castle that actually accentuated the heat and sunburn, lollies and coke as far as the eye could see, and a lamb on the spit for the grown-ups. Hell.
So I decided at that point, it was unnecessary for my children and I to attend every invitation sent to them. Just like in the grown-up world. (In fact if your child is under six, you can pretty much get away with murder as they’re not too savvy with the old calendar) You can politely decline, creating an alternative activity to avert social embarrassment.
But no, I don’t think you can ever entirely exert your own will over your kids. They have the right to choose who they want to play with, to dance with, to be with. But if you’re doing your job right: instilling in them the family values relevant to you and your family, then most likely they will find a good level. A reasonable mix of diverse kids and friends. After all, they’re experimenting with what’s important to them.
It’s a delicate balancing act at the best of times. You don’t want your kids to be snooty, rude, judgemental; you want them to be polite, appropriate, non-judgemental. But you also don’t want them drinking bourbon and cokes at 7.
So, remind, discuss, nudge, bunt, but don’t push, force, corral. The more you push them, the further away your children might go. Tamra x
"The right to bear arms is only slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears."
Chris Addison
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