TamraTalking to Our Children About Sex
October 25th 2006 11:58
Recently I posted about my own experiences as a child in regard to how my mother spoke to me about sex. The post was inspired another Mom, Mir, who found herself explaining the birds and the bees to her 8 year old daughter. In Mir's post, she told her daughter that you have to be married first in order to have sex. Keep in mind, this is the first major talk that Mir and her daughter have had about sex.
In the comments of my subsequent post, Margalit was upset about how Mir had generalized sex into being for married couples only.
In Mir's defense, this was the first in what will be many layers of communication between her and her daughter. She did not want to overwhlem her young child with details that weren't relevant to this first discussion.
When my 7 year old was 5, he asked me if two men could get married. My husband and I sat him down and explained about gay couples and how that worked.
It can be a confusing, uncomfortable topic, but how do you handle talking to your children about sex and relationships? Does having the "Sex Talk" stop at heterosexual couples, unless you're asked or do you offer up the diversity?
What do you wish your parents had told you about sex?
In the comments of my subsequent post, Margalit was upset about how Mir had generalized sex into being for married couples only.
In Mir's defense, this was the first in what will be many layers of communication between her and her daughter. She did not want to overwhlem her young child with details that weren't relevant to this first discussion.
When my 7 year old was 5, he asked me if two men could get married. My husband and I sat him down and explained about gay couples and how that worked.
It can be a confusing, uncomfortable topic, but how do you handle talking to your children about sex and relationships? Does having the "Sex Talk" stop at heterosexual couples, unless you're asked or do you offer up the diversity?
What do you wish your parents had told you about sex?
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Comment by Wendi
When I had my own children, I was of the mind that if the child is old enough to ask the question, then they're old enough to hear an honest answer.
My son was only six-years-old when he came to me and asked point blank how a baby was made.
*sigh*
Six, huh? I wasn't quite ready for that. However, sticking to my own philosophy, I searched my mind and soul for a delicate yet true way to explain.
Carefully, I stated that when a man and woman love each other in a very big way, they engage in a special hug. During the hug, the two bodies fit together like pieces of a puzzle.
My son cut me short, "You mean sex, Mom?"
My chin hit the floor. "Well, yes, I mean sex."
"Well, why didn't you say so?" He asked.
I was honest. "I didn't realize you already knew about sex, son. Where did you learn this?"
His reply was classic. "I'm not dumb, mom. I know what the sparks, whistles, and fireworks are on cartoons!"
Cartoons? My son learned about sex from cartoons??
School can also be a problem. Youngsters today know much more than they used to and they're not afraid to discuss it amongst themselves at school. What a vocabulary they can come home with!!
It is a delicate subject and one that each family should address according to their own terms. Christian families may teach sex quite differently than Pagan families would. I think sex education should be done early, in any case, and that the lines of communication should be kept clear.
Personally, I don't see anything wrong with teaching that sex is sacred and should be saved for marriage, if that's the belief system the parents wish to encourage. However, I do believe parents should be honest and explain that while it's best to preserve sex for marriage, it is possible to engage in sexual activities without being married. Anything less, I believe, is misleading.
Just my opinions.
W
Comment by Andrea
Diet and Health
V8 Supercar Pitstop
My daughter was three when I was pregnant with my son and she showed a great interest in the whole process. I told her about man sperm and how it meets a woman's egg etc etc. Thankfully, at the time it didn't occur to her to ask exactly how daddy's sperm got inside me in the first place.
Only a parent can know if their child is mature enough to know about sex. My daughter is now seven and I've discussed homosexuality with her as she asked me about people falling in love with people from the same sex.
My son is now three and I am pregnant again, however he's not as mature as his sister at that age and, although he's showing an interest in the baby and its growth etc, he doesn't seem to care about the more intricate details.
When he's old enough, he'll ask. And when my daughter wants to know the rest, she'll ask. It's that simple. And I can tell ... it's going to happen soon!
A.H.
Comment by Anonymous
Comment by Wendi
Comment by Mir
What the incensed party failed to notice, in regard to my original post and the comments it generated on Karen's site, was that although my daughter kept asking questions, she was wholly HORRIFIED when I gave her the answers. I made a purposeful choice to insulate her <i>at this time</i>; by saying that sex was for grown-ups who are married, it removed it from the realm of her experience. (She is 8, and when I said some girls start menstruating at 9 she looked completely panicked.)
As she ages and is ready to get into the emotional aspects (as well as some of the deeper mechanics, like is sex only penis/vagina intercourse, and homosexual sex, etc.), I will of course speak freely with her in a manner I feel is age-appropriate and thoughtful. And you know, she may be ready for more information next month or even tomorrow. My job as her mother is to gauge her readiness. I read her cues in that instance and assessed her as needing to hear that this had nothing to do with her, and acted accordingly.
And of course, I enjoy and welcome discussion. A blanket statement that I exhibited "horrible parenting" is just going to cause me to discount the speaker wholesale, though.